tis an awkward feeling inside. its part feeling dumb, part insecure, part confused, part sad, part hopeful. what to do what to do what to. its hard when u want something but u r too timid to say it outloud and make it materialize. have i been so lost for the past few years that to start again, i am ghastly out of depth and totally clueless? no guts and nothing. just hoping and hoping. till the opportunity closes. life is sometimes so complicated within our own perception, but crystal clear to others. some just have it, some dont. i dont. maybe its also human nature to want something that are not theirs. to always have the constant endless infinite crave of something that they dont have.
but i have lived my life long enough to know myself a bit. im sure i would be deeply satisfied and happy if i were given this opportunity again.
oh and here i am, writing hopeful cryptic messages like a fool. wishing and waiting. and waiting. and wishing. its fun just to write stuff out. without taking a moment's pause to plan ahead what words should be typed next. just type type type away. sort of a venting mechanism for a lost soul. i like the clicking sound of the keyboard as my fingers pound on it continuously. it kinda soothes the mind.
part of me'subconcious is telling me, perhaps even yelling to me to start make stuff happen. take charge. be a man. to hell with the repercussions. if u dont try u wont know. but the other part thats always with me since when i dunno, says dont break your own norm. be yourself. go with the flow. see where it will take me. let god sort it out. oh god. you are so full of mysteries. im so resentful that i missed alot of subuh prayers. and sometimes when i go out with friends, i skipped prayers bcause they also skipped. and the worst part is that i skipped because i dont want them to feel like im showing off to them. what the fuck am i thinking. thats so screwed.
but thats just me. always like that. always thinking of what others would think until it limits my self. shackles my actions and judgements.. i so envy others who wear their hearts on their sleeves. its so simple living like that. perhaps after making my long kept thoughts materialize on this virtual space, it will partly free me'self from this conondrum. i sure do hope so.
but hey. everyone has their own insecurities. their pet peeves about their own self. this is one of mine. hopefully this will act like a therapy and banish it forever after this. or if not, godwilling corrode the layers bit by bit until i am free again of these self limiting thoughts.
Thanks to you, i enjoy your company. I really do. May long it continue.
Take charge and take action--when will I?
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